It’s probably one of the strangest feelings I’ve ever felt in my life. You’d think I – or anyone – would get used to it, but I don’t think that’s actually possible.
For me, it doesn’t discriminate. It isn’t patient. It doesn’t care about the weather, or my plans. It doesn’t care if it throws off my whole day even. It’s quite inconsiderate.
And it always makes me fight it.
The last time it struck, I was at work. Doing my job. And this overwhelming urge to break down and cry nearly took power. It took everything I had not to. The rest of the day was a fog. I struggled to make it until 4 p.m as the pendulum of depression swung between wanting to cry and draining me of energy and will to do anything.
I came home and cried. I was exhausted from fighting it all day, and I was even more exhausted after crying. It didn’t relieve me like you think it would. It didn’t help at all. It took all I had to take my dog out. To feed the cats. To feed myself.
This isn’t every day for me. Sometimes I can catch it by surprise, and try to get ahead of it. Other times, it hits me so unexpectedly that I lose my breath.
I grasp so tightly to the good times, the few I can remember on a daily basis. I feel like either I don’t have many banked or I genuinely didn’t have many to bank them. But that could also be one of depressions tricks.
I started a drawing the other day. I wanted to illustrate a point in my life that has happened, but is not yet over, even though I desperately want it to be. I want to move on from it all.
But I am still so incredibly angry.
And I know that anger is what allows depression in sometimes, even when I don’t want it to.
And the crazy thing is, I know how to let go of that anger, or at least start to let go and move on. But I’m so scared of the repercussions of that. I’m so scared of how things will change. Or I’m scared that they won’t, and that I’ll need them too.
I know this all depression too. This is depression talking.
And it’s hard to shut it out.
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